Tuesday, 8 December 2015

I came to quit...

I came to Sheffield today and it took a record 6 hours to get here. The worst journey I've ever made north. Just horrible. But that sort of suited my objective, which was to quit my PhD. A bleak prospect, almost as bleak as torrential rain and jack-knifed lorries on the M1.

But I got here and cried at my supervisor and started to feel better. She asked what I wanted to do. I don't know, I said, immediately starting to weep. And then she asked the question "Do you want to leave?"

And I said... no. No, but I don't know how not to. I don't know how to finish. How do I negate my lack of time, lack of funds and declining mental health? I have to start at least part-time work. That's a given and when that happens... well, what happens to the thesis? She had no immediate answers, but she gave me a beautiful Christmas present and took me for sushi and at least briefly the wound was covered up. Which I really needed. Tomorrow and Thursday the decisions will be made.

I wish it was easy to walk away from this. I dream about it. Just the other night, my brain gave me an answer to something in a dream that I could not work out whilst I was awake. Tell me how I can walk away from something like that? It's impossible to do it, it's impossible to not have regrets if I leave it behind. I'll always know that with more discipline and (well, independant wealth would help tbh) less being mental I could have been a Doctor. I could have had that University position, that path I picked at 10 years old... that just didn't work out.

So, that's where I am right now. Hold on to your hats, the next entry could be explosive. Or really sad.

Tuesday, 20 October 2015

Leave it, it's not worth it?

Warning: contains mostly me. 

I suppose I should make a comment about blowing dust off this thing, since it's been a full two years since I last posted in it. The second to last post on here is about giving my PhD one last shot... which I did for a bit, then decided it was all too much and I took a 'career break' much to the chagrin of people invested in me as a PhD candidate, and I went away for a bit. (It was definitely a career break, I definitely wasn't just running away. Nope.) I wanted to see what it was like being somewhere else for a bit and see if I could heal some of the bits of me that were broken... and I suppose I did to a certain extent, so that's nice.

Of course, I came back eventually and after a few weeks enjoying the UK again (it's possible, I assure you. I had a year without a roast dinner. What kind of year is that?!) and then I decided to bite the bullet and return to Sheffield full time, to my department and give the PhD one last shot. Again. That was an interesting decision, to be honest. Even after a year away I couldn't give it up! Imagine that!

But sadly, I find myself having problems once again though (because life is never easy), but they are slightly different this time. Whether that's better or worse, I don't know. So, I thought I'd talk about them a bit.